I’m the best, Mayne! Only black people can make light of a video like this. Lord Have mercy, another black video phenomenon (move over chocolate rain). The “afrospere” is buzzing with video of this kid, remixes…etc. Is this a program that is being produced at a high school…in someone’s basement…what?? The only good thing is that Eli is probably a mini superstar in his hood after this (or at least I hope).

Gone are the days of Mary, Mark, Luke and John. No more handing down of family names such as Hortense, Beulah Mae, and Chastity. Now, we are at liberty to name our offspring as we see fit, and boy do we love us some vowels. As a matter of fact, I believe that somewhere out there, is a child with only vowels in their name (Yeaiou, perhaps?) Now I’m all for poetic license and creativity. And I understand the history of the magnitude of being able to name our own children. But it seems, my good people, that we have gone from the days of black power and pride, when we researched African history and names to give our kids names with meaning, to present day, when we name our kids after our favorite food/liquor, past time, misspelling or vehicle. Surely we all know a Lexus, Tekilah, Chasity or something of the sort in our inner circles. Some of our names are overly complex- I have a niece named Keyeyah (thats pronounced key.Yah).  Even my own name is subject to discussion- but it is swahili-my parents did get it out of a book-and it has meaning, so there!

But let’s consider this-when educators or interviewers have to spend well over 10 minutes to attempt to say your name correctly, that may signal an issue that we as a people need to examine. Now granted, there are some ignorant folk out there that will stigmatize you solely based on your name, but these aren’t the folks I’m concerned with. Let’s just think about our children and consider the following: Are there enough spaces on the scantron sheet for your child to fill in his/her complete name? Will children be able to turn any portion of your child’s name into an embarassing schoolyard chant? Does your daughter’s name readily prepare her for a less than savory occupation?

C’mon folk, I’m just sayin! No one name is better than another. Be creative by all means, but at the same time- think about the name you give your child. It sets the tone for their life.

A big fist and SOOOUUUULLLL go out to my boy Don Cornelius, creator of the long running hit show “Soul Train”, for making this a “Stuff Black People Love” favorite. Not only has this long standing tradition reached the 70’s funk wild children (our parents), but this phenomenon has reached even today’s hip hopping, R&B’ing generation. I unashamedly admit that even me, a 90’s child, young and exuberant, sat staring into the bottle capped eyes of Don Cornelius weekly, wondering when my day would come to shakemygroovethangus, amidst strangers, on a stage that would reach worldwide viewership.  Though times have changed, along with the music and the styles of its fans, The Soul Train Line (STL) still holds a very true and special place in all of our hearts.

At any given opportunity, when gathering amongst friends, with the right seasoning of ambiance and soul hits,  will you and I get the urge to round them up for a good ‘ole STL.  An event truly isn’t complete without the presence of certain family members (table dancing Aunt May), the electric slide (or the hustle), and the Soul Train Line.  Admittedly, some parties aren’t really considered a hit until you mix it with a little old school — or a little be-bop, pop lock, and re-run. 

You know I’m right,  the next time you attend a party stand in the middle of the floor and motion the crowd to join into what they’ve all been waiting to do ALL Night.  Not only will you reap the benefits of being the life of the party, but you may reap a few winks and phone numbers too……and you know we LOVE THAT! 

 Photo Source

You know us folks love to debate- anytime, anywhere, and loudly! We pontificate on corners, buses, trains, planes, cars, barbershops, beautyshops, grocery stores, you name it. Most Afro-Americans of any age and life station have at some point started or jumped into a heated debate from something as trivial as who is the greatest emcee of all time to something as important as Barak Obama’s campaign.  The best part though, is watching and listening- cause we don’t always have our facts straight…you know what I mean.  You can discern a lot about our folks once the debate gets goin’. There have been countless times that I’ve witnessed a disheveled, person, homeless (and presumably uneducated in appearence) wax poetical with someone else  about current politics and foreign policy- spouting even more knowledge of information than I have, if you can fathom that. Yes, I’ve actually seen a homeless, high school drop out tear down a PhD (it was funny as heck!) It’s a truly humbling and enlightening experience.

Other folks from the outside looking in may think we are having a knock-down, drag out verbal fisticuffs, which could potentially explode into violence at a moments notice..and sometimes it can (especially at the family reunion). But in most instances, it’s just a hearty discussion between a people who don’t always feel like their voices and opinions will be heard or respected by the masses.

The marriage of two of the most lucrative popular culture icons in the country, race notwithstanding, is apparently not news. It’s hard to imagine a figure more ubiquitous than Jay-Z to hip hop or Beyonce to pop, but I guess if Eminem married Britney that would be a big yawn too if they did so after six years (!) of anticipation and speculation.

I had to see pictures of Eva Longoria’s wedding. Apparently she is more newsworthy than Beyonce and Jay-Z.

As someone who generally believes no one’s wedding (even that of a celebrity) is ‘news’ but a private, family event, the mainstream media’s claim that no one cared about about this particular celebrity wedding news strains credulity to the point of exhaustion.

To be clearer… Two black people get married. According to the statistics we are usually bombarded with, that in and of itself should be worthy of an interruption of you usual programming. I distinctly recall reading and watching several features that suggested African American women were now more likely NOT to get married in their lifetime than not.

A black man gets married. According to the statistics we are usually bombarded with, if he’s not dead or in jail or on the down-low or just trifling, the last thing a black man wants to do is get married. To a black woman.

A black woman becomes the wife of a black man who apparently wanted to become her husband. If we extrapolate from the kinds of media coverage we usually get of black people and popular culture, this is the equivalent of a Bigfoot sighting or a high-def shot of the Loch Ness Monster. Right?

The man who gave us Big Pimpin got married, people. And mainstream media thinks that is not news. Think about that…

Somebody wrote about how Black Folks like to use their children to change the channel on the TV when the remote is missing, but people have taken this type of helpful advantage to the max! Too many times, I witness kids as young as 8 years old walking alone to a corner store to buy items for their parents.  Don’t get me wrong, there are countries where a large family is a great asset for this very reason, say, if you have a large farm, or a small rural business.  As a child in the early 80’s, I walked to school with a small group of children with no adults. However, I tend to wonder about the safety of youth in today’s post-Jeffrey Dahmer American inner cities who are sometimes sent to walk blocks all alone, no matter how dangerous the neighborhood.

I give props to single and disabled parents who have children who step to the plate, but I must admit some cases are just plain old laziness…  

Some jobs that Children Personal Assistants do for their parents are:

-Buying groceries (one bag at a time)

-Babysitting themselves

-Babysitting their siblings

-Supervising themselves on a play date at the neighborhood playground

-Supervising themselves on a Saturday trip to the corner restaurant with their friends for a bite to eat

-Paying a utility bill

-Answering the door- all the time

-Answering the phone- all the time

-Calling multiple relatives and family friends to set up play dates

-Lie for their parents when convenient

-Walking back and forth between rooms to deliver dialog between two people

-Waking their parents and start making the coffee when mom/dad return home from a late from a night out

-Starting their own charity, and going door to door to ask for cash

This may ruffle some feathers but, as the song says, “you can hate me now…” It is of this writer’s opinion that we love being able to use the “n” word without, or at least with fewer repercussions than people of other races. Hear me out, I am not justifying it’s use, but I am pointing out that my white friends would suffer a serious consequence (of either a physical, mental, verbal, or spiritual discomfort –or a combination of any of the aforementioned) for using that word; we know that our consequences will not be the same. Other Black folks will not call us racist, ban us from the airwaves or kick our natural black (insert expletive here) for using that word. At the very least we’ll receive a severe tongue lashing about how we can’t use it without justifying other people using it. Let’s tell the truth and shame the devil…literally minutes after the “n” word was ceremoniously buried last year, Nilla Bean resurrected it…several times…sorry. I won’t use this article to justify my use of the word, in fact, I  do understand both sides of the arguement, and I feel they are both valid. I wrote this article to admit that there is some inherent, infantile joy in being able to get away with something when you know good and well the next person cannot.

 Have you ever had a person of another race involved in a conversation where someone used the “n”word? It’s like time stands still. Will the non-black person join in and use it, or do the smart thing and act as though they didn’t even hear it? Worse yet, will the non-black person admonish the user? It’s uncomfortable. But, go to your local barbershop, sports bar, school yard, bus stop, train station, dance club, skating rink, library, fundraiser, PTA meeting, church…you get the point. Somebody is going to utter the “n” word at some point, (and it might be me). I’m not proud of it, or lauding it; right wrong or indifferent, it’s the truth.

A non-black friend of mine once made the remark, “But it’s not fair, why do you get to say it and we can’t? It’s just a word like stupid or dummy.” Because I considered this person a dear friend, I explained the sordid history of the word and its origins during the times of slavery when it was used to belittle us as human beings, creating a history of low self-esteem and a self-fulfilling prophecy of substandard achievement from generation to generation. Then I went on to describe the history of African-Americans reclaiming of negative words and turning them into something that we owned. We called the shots with how these words and phrases were used, and it gave us a sense of power. My diatribe continued on, remarking upon how the times have change into one of buffoonery and apathy, a time in which youth no longer acknowledge the painful history of their forefathers and languages of all types melded into one heaping pot of Webster’s Dictionary. I talked about how our children have been duped into thinking that no one is racist anymore, and that multiracial families are loved by all. And then after I stated all of that, I politely told him, “N’ Word, because you can’t!”

Oh, my goodness!  Black People LOVE to see White People walking around in the cold with shorts on.  We talk about those White People so bad in malls, public spaces…on the job…EVERYWHERE.  This phenomenon seems especially popular with young, White men.  To see the “mighty white man”, “the good ole boy” shivering like he’s not cold…like his nordic heritage is keeping him warm in 30 degree weather…it just makes us smile.   It’s like a private joke that we tell on “Whitey”.  Something we can point our finger at and laugh.  I think the common thought is “Is that White Boy Crazy?  He’s going to catch a cold!”  The most notable culprits of this are young White frat boys/college boys.  They usually pair their shorts with…flip flops.  That makes it even worse and even more funny to bundled up, coat wearing Black people.

I think Black People should start a tradition similar to Groundhog’s Day.  We should start saying that you can tell how hot it’s going to be in the summer by how early you see White People wearing shorts.  Ok?  Let’s start it, Come on!  I think I saw a White guy with short on during one of those warm days we had in DC in February.  I predict a reasonably hot summer.  If it had been Dec or Jan…we better get ready for a scorcher!!

Are you a member of the Justin Timberlake Fan Club? I almost was, until he let Janet Jackson’s breast fly free in the wind on a cold, windy Superbowl Sunday, (she’s lucky she had that giant nipple piercing weighing that big’un down). Brothas, how many Eminem cds do you own? What about that one white Sigma on the step team that really defied all white-boys-can’t dance stereotypes? Kid Rock had mad black chicks on his tip when he was a hip hop dj, and say what you will, but I know for a fact that many a heterosexual brotha was feelin’ Madonna (the THICK version) back in the day, before she came up with that strange British accent. Don’t let me get started on how many brothas fantasize over Rachel Ray when she turns her back to the camera making those 30 Minute Meals, or Angelina Jolie’s lips. And even Nilla Bean has to confess that a white guy with a low-cut ceaser and a goatee connected to the mustache (created at a BLACK barbershop of course), wearin a fitted and spittin some gangsta spoken word can turn my head quick…ok, sorry, personal moment…

So what is it about these “Blaucasians” (borrowed from the Tiger Woods school of racial synergy) that we love? I think we appreciate the idea of another culture’s fascination with and homage to us, even though the lines between adoration, envy and mockery sometimes get crossed. We certainly didn’t appreciate Al Jolsen’s blackfaced “mammy” and when Bo Derek showed up with beaded cornrows- insert loud West Indian teeth sucking sound here-, “gurl, puhleeeze”!

If a white person openly and publicly acknowledges the efforts and contributions that we have made to the global society, then their adoption of our habits and trends might be more palatable. It’s when the opposite occurs that we are subjected to listening to our folks like Little Richard loudly gesticulate and pontificate on how “they” stole, umm say for example, rock n roll, from us. And they never gave us nothin…NOTHIN!!!

But I digress….

Our counterparts love recycled, fashionable, brightly-colored (and overpriced) designer plastic bags. But we African Americans love the good old-fashioned plastic grocery bag.  Erykah Badu, in her infinite wisdom even sang about it in her song, Bag Lady. Think about it, I know you have a plastic grocery bag collection somewhere in your home. Some of these collections have been handed down from generation to generation, which explains why you still have some Piggly Wiggly grocery bags in the kitchen pantry, even though the last one in town went out of business 5 years ago- (this does not apply to the deepest southern counties of Georgia, which continue to hang on to their Piggly Wiggly’s for dear life). The common plastic grocery bag has a myriad of uses in the African-American household. Most frequently they are used as

• Shower caps, conditioning treatment caps, or rain scarves
• A purse/attaché case
• A suitcase (although large plastic lawn bags are used most often for this purpose)
• Rain boots
• Windshield wipers
• Gloves
• A clothes hamper
• Beach bags
• Lunch boxes
• Alternate trash bags (especially in the bathroom)
• Murder weapons
• Gift wrap
• Pillows/pillow stuffing
• A Halloween or armed robbery mask
• A temporary window (must be accompanied by duct tape)
• A book cover
• A flag
• A mail pouch
• A dust cloth
• A bag to hold all of your other plastic grocery bags
• Economical packaging for illegal narcotics

There are, of course other traditional uses for the common plastic grocery bag, such as carrying groceries or collecting pet poop, but this list is specifically compiled from observation of African-Americans. I challenge our readers to send in more examples of ways that WE use plastic grocery bags- as a matter of fact, send ME some more plastic grocery bags, my supply is getting low….